Don’t waste your evening.

Sometimes, I wonder whether I should just commit myself fully to writing the outlet craft blog…or maybe the anti craft blog.

Anyone can write a craft blog, that’s easy peasy lemon squeezy. Has anyone ever written one that solely features the fuck ups…have they?

If you want to know how NOT to make pretty things then welcome to botchitgalore, the cockup craft blog.

We began with these attractive cream and gold velvet baubles I brought at a charity shop…because, we’ll because I thought they looked foofing awesome.

When I got home and looked at them I wondered whether I can make them myself, and honestly, I gave it a blooming good effort.

I started with plain silver baubles, and measured the height and width of them.

As I am notoriously rubbish at measuring with accuracy (I’ll never be an engineer/architect/ or anything that requires expert precision.) I’m gave myself some added leeway.

I made a template with wallpaper. I probably get more samples than I really need, but I change my mind often. (That’s bullshit, I nab it coz it’s free)

I marked out a piece 10cm by 20cm like so.

I’d like to say I measured twice and cut once, but I didn’t. I winged it dint I?

As you can see it overlapped, so I marked the overlap and cut that line.

Then I folded in half 3 times.

Measured 3cm down and cut to the opposite corner, as in the worst marked up photo.

Fabric was then pressed and I drew out the outline. I used a dark pen for clarity in photos and because I’m intending to cover any seams with ribbon anyway.

Finished article

That’s right, my cack-handed endeavour added to my lack of actually researching how to do this, has brought forth a right dog’s dinner of an upcycled bauble.

DONT DO THIS.

….I’m going on Pinterest.

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Why can’t I write?

Well ain’t it blooming typical, I decide to get my literary exposition on and words scatter from me noggin like dandelion fluff in high wind.

Maybe I spend way too much time lurking on social media, re-reading me own gumph, and watching the gogglebox to find stimulus, stimuli, stimulilili… pffffspp (where is a raspberry emoji when you need one?)

Could it be because whatcatydidnext has gone to The land of Kiwis for three foofing months and I can’t boing ideas off her like a bouncy castle of… knowledge?… experience?…thinky-outy-the-boxyness?

I know I have less time to daydream, my kids are far more interactive than they used to be. However, I can’t grumble that they want my time, five minutes ago they were holding my hand as we crossed the road…in five minutes time they’ll be busy with their own shit and won’t have time to daydream themselves.

Periodically I binge on romances to gain inspiration, but either these have lost their flavour, or I have lost my appetite, they all taste a bit beige to me.

I’ve ‘eard tell that the #metoo movement has diametrically affected the industry because women are too nervous to write the typical predatory male protagonist. I’m not buying that, I saw women rip the claws out of their hero’s way before then, but I won’t deny it does seem to be a terrible epidemic.

(I’m not trying to get into a debate on what fantasies are acceptable, but I will say that women have always been drawn to a bad boy. If you stop writing them, that’s not going to stop women from wanting them, it might stop women from reading your books though, and some of my favourite authors aren’t holding my interest beyond the first two chapters)

Nothing wholly explain’s what is causing my impenetrable block? (I’ll be honest, before it happened to me I didn’t really believe it was a thing)

I’ve got two beautifully compelling utter dastards knocking at the lockbox of my imagination, demanding to be let out, and I can’t find the chuffing key!

I find myself prowling around, kicking at walls trying to get at them but to no avail.

I think I need a nap.

Genu-wine review of something interesting

Right, now I’ve lured you in, let me just rub me hands together like a market trader from Romford looking to sell you a watch of indeterminate metal content.

Today I am reviewing Painters Touch water-based craft enamel.

I picked these up at Homebase for £1.99 for a 20ml pot. Rust-oleum say they’re enamel paints, and myself not being an expert on all things paint related, means my opinion on the chemical make up of ‘said paint’ is entirely personal. I do however spend a shit load of money on craft materials that I don’t need. So, although I’m not what you would call a traditional artist with a vast experience of various paints, I’d say they are pretty much like any other acrylic model paint.

Still with me?

This a mug given to my daughter for Christmas. She likes the idea of colouring in a mug, however she doesn’t actually want to put the work in.

Luckily I do.

We were given these pens to use instead, but I think the nibs aren’t fine enough and I have other materials want to use

The first thing I noticed with painters touch is that the lids seem to be caked onto the necks of the tubs, making them difficult to open. And even though all the packaging was sealed, the red had managed to leak.

Pigment is nice and strong with good coverage (I didn’t use the yellow because the colour wasn’t bold enough for the mug. I used a humbrol acrylic)

My main issue is that the paint seemed to quickly gank the brushes up so I had to keep swishing in water. (There is probably an actual artist technical term for gank, I just don’t know it)

At the beginning I didn’t swish and the paint ganked in the brush as I was using it, leaving a clumpy bead midway up the brush and separating the bristles. After soaking, I managed to scrape it out with a thumb nail, but my brush will never be the same again.

I’m happy with the finished article, and will use these paints again (because I’ve got them now) but probably on experimental items, with my not so special brushes.

Like this wooden owl I picked up in the pound shop for 50p (I know right, half price sale in the pound shop!)

For model paints though, I still prefer humbrol.

Maybe I do have too much time on my hand, hashtag thoughtful face.

Hey guys, I’m thinking about getting the band back together again.

Last night I watched the Wolf of Wall Street on Netflix. I’m five years out of date, but you know, some films it just takes you a while to get around to watching. It inspired me, so much so I wrote quite an inspirational blog post about it, but when I read it to my daughter she was errm…underwhelmed.

And let me tell you, nothing can be as cutting as an indifferent female child due on her period…nuffink!

So where does that leave me? Forty years old in five months time and clawing a purchase as I slide swiftly down the arse end of thirty.

I’m not scared of of getting old, I’m scared of not being recognised as awesome before I peg it, coz I truly believe I fecking am.

I know, I know, I’m that shallow generation what was all told ‘we would all be superstars’ and now we’re turning forty and realising that time is slipping away…

Well, yeah…it is. I got the skills, I just don’t know how to make them work for me. But at one time me and my blog buddies performed a pretty sweet gig, and I want that quick-fire interaction back.

It’s time to get back in the garage and start playing shit music till it’s not shit anymore. (I think this is an abortion of a Dave Grohl quote I read a while ago and couldn’t be bothered to look up) There’s been too much quiet for a while now, we need to make some noise!

What do you think, wanna get the band back together again?

I’m just gonna write whatever codshit I fancy, about whatever codshit that interests me, in whatever codshit manner I want, till I can rumplestiltskin me into what I know I can be… Fuck me I’m a real poet sometimes!

You just jump in when you wanna jam too.

Happy New Years guys.

With love, Nelliexx

P.S. When I read this to my daughter she said, “Yeah, good. Feel my face, it’s so smooth.”

Something had to go right eventually. That’s just the law of averages.

Like every conscientious mother who wishes the best for their child’s school, I was dragged kicking and screaming into the PTA.

I genuinely was. This is how my view of the conversation went.

Bestie – The entire PTA are standing down at the end of the year, they need a new team.

Nellie – Let me just stop you there. Fuck off!

Bestie – We could do it together.

Nellie – Jog on, we could do it together. I’m just not that sort of mum…I don’t like people!

Bestie – I’ve set up a meeting for tomorrow.

Nellie – Well, good luck with that, I’m not going.

Bestie – Shall I pick you up?

Nellie – No, NO, NOOOO! I’m not doing it!!!

A year and a half later and I’m still foofing doing it.

Now, the school are building a memorial garden, and I grudgingly agreed to help out. By grudging, I mean I rugby tackled one woman out of the running, yanked another back by her hair and slid across that conference table like a chuffing ninja to shove my Pinterest board in the chairman’s face….She liked my ideas.

In a couple of weeks we’re gonna meet to discuss implementing them.

So, I got started with some examples.

I first got polystyrene balls from The Range for a £1 each, to use as my base.

A couple of £1 nets of clear flat marbles that I painted with nail varnish, and baked till they were slightly burned. (They get this autumnal jewelled look that I have a passion for at the mo.)

Next, I tried gluing them, as one blog suggested with e6000. Well, this just melted the polystyrene. I advise you not to do that.

I did try Dove craft glue, which is brilliant for papercraft and has great hold on many things. Not polystyrene though, and I didn’t have time to stand for five minutes apiece till it grabbed. (I didn’t use the glue gun because I know from experience that it can easily be cracked off.)

Moving on, Silicone. This holds to glass like shit to a shovel, but needs a full 24 hours to dry. Nevertheless, this was my decided fixative.

Omfg, what a palaver! Because, it being a spherical shape, I could only do small areas at a time. But I persevered over five days, and even then the silicone didn’t feel particularly fond of bonding to the polystyrene. It could be a combination of, I didn’t leave it long enough to cure, I was trying to stick silicone that had half set before I used it (my hubby had left the cap off,) or it just don’t stick well to polystyrene. But once, I dropped the ball on the table, and all the marbles fell off.

To the grouting!

I used ready mixed stuff from Wilko, for £2.75 a tub.

Again, I was limited to small patches. (Spherical)

I used my fingers to distribute the grout between the spaces, and a damp sponge to smooth it.

(You will get a fine residue over the glass, but don’t you fret none, that can be cleaned off when the grout is dry)

Even though I did all of the above, I still found marbles dropped off – So yes, by this time, I just stuck them back on with the glue gun because of time constraints.

It might also be responsible to note, I did this without gloves, and my hands were left red and itchy. Now you know. I’ve made all the mistakes so you don’t have to. What I’m really saying is, if you hurt, damage, or maim yourself in anyway, it’s not my responsibility. Follow the instructions on all materials used, and be your own health and safety guide.

Once dry, (about 8 hours) you can clean the residue of the glass with windolene and a soft cloth. I also scraped off any hard bits with my nails.

The finished article.

And this pink one is a bit of an experiment. The glass is backed with pretty paper and card, then stuck on with a glue gun…which can be done in one sitting, and then grouted.

I completed it within a day. (I don’t know how water proof it’s gonna be though.)

So, err, yeaaah…GLUE GUN!

Can you use a glue gun to non-slip a rug?

I promise you the world and give you a rug, not even a magic carpet of endless wonder! I know, we were going to have a new venture, bursting with creativity, and three weeks into the New Year and I’ve given you fuck all…and a poxy rug.

In my defence….an artist doesn’t begin his finest piece with a scattered mind, he begins with a clarity of vision, and more importantly, a tidy studio, so I’ve been doin’ ‘ousework int I?

But I’m ‘ere now, so settle yourself down.

Anyhoo, my mum bought me a runner for Christmas to match a floor covering I currently have in me lounge.

Admittedly, it is an odd seasonal gift, but she might as well buy me something I wanted, than superfluous toot I later have to find a place for.

Unwrapping it, I’ve realised it don’t quite match, only now it’s too late to send it back. Never mind, I like it anyway, and once I’ve finished my hall way, that won’t match the living room either, so it don’t matter.

And so, to non-slip it. I am compltely aware the easiest thing is to buy non slip matting, cut it to size and glue it to the rug…but honestly, do you truly expect simplicity from me? Mummy likes to experiment!

So, I thought I’d try hot gluing it…GLUE GUN!

Although, the reason I’m trying this is because I have a ton of 7mm glue sticks for my tiny, almost defunct little glue gun, and I wanted to use them up.

I had a little look on Pinterest, found an instructional blog, and decided to give it a go.

It was very easy to do, just glue in lines, they don’t even have to be straight. (I got bored midway and started switching to glitter glue for funsies)

The result.

It don’t fecking work!

And the boy child said he could feel the ridges beneath his feet when he walked on it, and then I had to strip the hardened glue back off.

Bugger

This is turning out to be not so much an instructional blog, as more of an instructional blog buster.

But I still need to non-slip the rug, if I’m not to surf the hallway at an unthinking moment and I am not blessed with the greatest of motor skills.

So, I’ll probably buy a non-slip mat and cut it to size.

Still, dogs like it.

What cruel wankery is this?

General consensus from last weeks post has wrought such brutish criticism that my verbosity was somewhat lacklustre, unamusing, and toothless!

What the fuck, mum? I have the flu, you were lucky you got anything more than a soiled tissue!

Plus, I came on in the middle of it 😩

It has given me a deep abiding hatred for Tampax and their Pearl range…defective, piece of shit, applicators that collapse on entry, making me as angry as…well, anyone else with a lump of dry cotton wedged half way up their growler.

Now I’ve finished talking about my indelicate woes, I know I’m supposed to be making bath bombs for Christmas, I even got the sweetest rose mould to make them in and a Lush dupe perfume oil from Bert the dealer to fragrance it with. It was going to be a very informative, and instructional post…but I guess I’ll do it next week.

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o on this eve of Christmas observance include; gift wrapping my kids presents, a whole ton of laundry (I know, it’s built up,) vacuuming, changing my bedding and a general tidy up. Because what I’ve actually done today is re-read a Mills and Boon and ate an entire 16 pack of Ferraro Rocher in one sitting. (Boom, I didn’t think that was possible either, guess I was wrong)

I don’t know why I’m finding it so hard to get into the groove this festive period, Or why I’m so impatient to skip over it and get to the new year. Seems stoopid to me now I think about it. Maybe I should count my blessings of home and hearth, or maybe I should switch off Dickens Christmas Carol and get on with it.

Merry Christmas to you and yours peeps

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